Self-pitying…please bear me today!!!

I am going through a mild depression right now. Okay, depression is a very strong word. Wallowing is the right word.
Nothing is going right at work, I mean nothing is going that wrong either. I just don’t know what is happening.

Let’s go through things, for my sake.

At home nothing is happening. In fact I am hardly home for anything to happen.

At work I am again assigned to this stupid UNIX thing which is very difficult because I don’t know UNIX and learning it on my own without any help is very difficult for me. My Manager says learn and then work. Then why don’t you give to the other guy in the team. He says,’ No, he doesn’t know UNIX’. So what the hell I am talking to you about for so long?

Another thing, I have been in this project for almost a year and my team member is here for only 3 months.
But now he is going onsite because just because he has more experience than me. But he is useless. He cannot do anything on his own. Why then???
There are some visa issues but they can be sorted easily. But I think my manager is too lazy to work on them.
I wanted out of this project but my manager is not releasing me. He doesn’t say no outright, but I know how it works.

On personal front, well do you remember the married guy I had a crush on. I had been successfully avoiding him for so long. But recently during the Christmas decorations I couldn’t avoid him any longer. It’s not like I love him or anything but being close to him makes me angry with myself. Why couldn’t I see through it?

And then suddenly I have this horrible felling of loneliness. I know I have a wonderful family and lovely friends. But they have lives of their own.

It is stupid and I know I am being a child. I am behaving like a spoilt girl. But I can’t help it.

I cried most of the way to the office today, of course no one was watching. And believe me I rarely cry even when I am alone.

But all said and done, most of it is nothing I haven’t experienced before. It’s not anything I cannot handle.